Archive for the crime Category

From The Crap-That-Should-Be-Obvious Files: #11 – Passing Lanes

Posted in crap that should be obvious, crime, driving, news with tags , , on February 24, 2011 by seehoweasy

If you are driving on a single-lane road or highway, and there are any number of cars behind you wanting to drive faster than you are driving, and a passing lane becomes available, MOVE OVER TO THE RIGHT LANE.

Once you do this, DO NOT SPEED UP. Just maintain whatever speed you were traveling at before the passing lane appeared.  Idiot.

Advertisements

No One Has ADHD. Sorry, It Is Complete Bullshit

Posted in Cheating, crime, lindsay lohan, news, opinion, politics, pop culture, total bullshit, Uncategorized with tags , , on January 3, 2011 by seehoweasy

(NRB Opinion) The other night, a couple of teenagers came over to my house. I had never met them before, they were tagging along with a friend of mine. They were dressed like they had money – and real spiffy, like a lot of thought went into their outfits. They were also two of the rudest people I have ever met. No big deal to me – I am used to rude people, and I don’t take it personally. Besides, they are kids and I am almost forty years old. Anyway, they were a couple “in love.”  She seemed to be the nicer of the two, but it was hard to tell, as she rarely got to finish a sentence. He interrupted her endlessly. He really had a lot of opinions. He knew a lot of things about a lot of things. Then it came out: “I have ADHD,” he informed us, almost like he wore it as a badge of honor. So did she, she told us. They both had ADHD.

I’m no doctor, but I will tell you a story. Years ago, in about 1995 when everyone I knew started getting diagnosed with ADHD, I met a kid who told me about every ten minutes that he had ADHD. We became friends. One day I pointed out to him that whenever we talked about him, or some band he liked, or some girl he wanted to nail, he was all ears. There was nothing medically wrong with him. He was just a selfish dick. Those wound up being his own words he used to describe himself.  A selfish dick. After a while, he proudly exclaimed on a regular basis that he had never had ADHD.

I was thinking while I was talking to these kids last night that their parents just didn’t want to deal with them. “My kid is being difficult. I will put him on some medicine.” It all probably has to do with the fact that both parents commonly work these days. Kids hate that. I promise. But that is for another blog, another day.

I still do not know anyone who has been diagnosed with ADHD who gets distracted when they are talking about themselves. The whole sick thing seems like an excuse to not learn manners, politeness or decency. Like a license to be self-centered to the extreme. Just my opinion. And my apologies to the few people out there who really have it. But they wouldn’t be still reading this, would they?

A-Rod Hits The Hell Out Of #600, It Lands In A Handbasket

Posted in arod, Cheating, crime, lindsay lohan, odors, opinion, sports, total bullshit with tags , , , on August 4, 2010 by seehoweasy

NRB COMMENTARY:

On August 4th, 2010, New York Yankee’s third baseman Alex Rodriguez became the youngest player in major league history to hit 600 home runs.

As a huge baseball fan, here are my thoughts about it:

– It is a milestone, no doubt about it; steroids don’t necessarily make people hit home runs, otherwise everyone who ever took them would be home run kings. There is the whole hand/eye coordination element to consider.

– Alex Rodriguez has admitted to using steroids. That, to me, in and of itself, sucks – but is forgivable. However, because of the way his steroid use came out, in lie-filled spurts, and because of his overall gross, self-centered attitude towards baseball, I cannot find it anywhere inside of myself to feel good about #600, or any of his accomplishments.

He doesn’t care what I think. But I doubt he cares what anybody thinks.

I’m not too sad. At least Yankee fans finally have something to celebrate.

“I’m On The Toilet” a Good Text Defense Against Unwanted Calls

Posted in crime, lindsay lohan, odors, opinion, pop culture, sluts, texting, total bullshit with tags , , on July 23, 2010 by seehoweasy

(NRB Study) You text someone hello, and suddenly you have an unwanted, incoming call from that person. It has happened to all of us. There are some relationships that just don’t require actual conversations. A text check-in here and there is more than enough, as far as we’re concerned. The other party, upon calling and not getting an answer, is baffled and texts us one of these:

“u there?”

Or…

“wtf”

Or…

“Call Me”

I have learned that a terse “I Am On The Toilet” text scares them away.  The only con is that you will undoubtedly get a really unfunny text or comment from them about how you only contact/think of them while you are taking a shit.

An Open Letter To Everyone Involved In The “Viva Viagra” Ad Campaign

Posted in crime, lindsay lohan, news, odors, opinion, politics, sluts, total bullshit with tags , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2009 by seehoweasy

173_20070725094014

Dear Marketing people behind the Viva Viagra ad campaign & the musicians who re-recorded “Viva Las Vegas” for the Viagra ad campaign,

How do you sleep?

Sincerely,

Almost Everyone on Earth

Grammys 2009: A Detailed Analysis On Why They Sucked

Posted in crime, lindsay lohan, music, news, odors, opinion, politics, pop culture, sluts, stars, total bullshit with tags , on March 4, 2009 by seehoweasy

285grammystauette0122808

I have been meaning to blog about the catastrophe that was the 2009 Grammy Awards since the morning after they aired.  I had a bunch of notes and everything.  I had decided that, since I could not move myself to blog for a couple of following weeks, I would never get around to it.   But it has been nagging at my soul, because music is my favorite thing in all of life, so here goes:

First, some back-story.  I have been watching the Grammys since I was nine years old. To put that into focus, Christopher Cross cleaned up.  Even when rock music started to lift itself onto a gurney, and hook itself up to an i.v. in about 1987-88, I continued to make my watching these awards an annual event.  By the early 90’s, it was commonplace for me to watch them alone and with guilt.  Everyone in my life panned even the concept of watching.  And most of the people in my life have always been artists and musicians.

Me: “Are you gonna watch the Grammys?”

Someone: Why?”

Someone else: “Fuck no.”

I was used to it.  And I couldn’t blame them for reacting that way. The show has ALWAYS mostly sucked.  I have always known this going in. I watch for two primary reasons: First, it is to be awestruck by the possible attendance of any “gods” or “goddesses” in the world of music.  Even if he or she is simply sitting in the crowd, it excites me to see them.

“Rewind! They just showed Prince!”

Or…

“That was Paul Simon!”

Or…

“Holy Shit! Dave Brubeck!”

Or…

“Aretha Franklin!”

Or…

“JIMMY PAGE!!!! Are you KIDDING ME?”

Stuff like that.

The second reason I watch is so I can deride the hacks.  Man, that is fun when you are watching with other people. (I notice that males like to put down musicians and females like to make fun of others weight.)

Me: “Does Billy Corgan ever write melodies?”

A guy: “Who?”

Another guy: “Exactly”

A girl: “His date is fat.”

Although there has been, in my opinion, no legitimate musical “happening” since Amy Winehouse (before that, Outkast), this year I put out a tray of snacks and tuned  into CBS with bated breath.

Again, I do not have my notes, but I will go by memory as best I can.

U2 opened the show.  (I am not a fan exactly, but I think “Stuck In A Moment”, “Sunday, Bloody Sunday”, “New Years Day”, and a couple of others warrant their entire career. )

It was fucking terrible. Way less there than meets the eye. Big lights. A lot of jumping around. It seemed very loud. But I could not find an actual tune of any kind. I muted the TV.  One minute into the 2009 Grammy Awards, and I am muting the TV. Yikes.

And I am well aware of all the pro-U2 arguments.  Shove ’em.  U2 was awful.

6a00d8341cabbe53ef0105371d4b97970b-300wi

Next up was Carrie Underwood.  I guess she played a Country song. It sounded like Rock and Roll to me, and sadly, it was a highlight of the night. Her guitarist was great. She flirted with an actual melody. It sucked, but compared to most of what followed, it was a highlight. Jesus, that is sad to write.  Parenthetically, my father has more stage presence than Bible-toting Carrie. And the last time I saw eyes that vacuous, I was talking to a teller at my post office here in New York.

cbs_grammys_2009_clip1

Oh yeah, sometime pretty early on, Whitney Houston came out.  But is was not to sing some new masterpiece.  She looked healthy. (Coughing loudly.)

Al Green sang a song from 1972.  Nailed it! (Coughing even louder.)

See, I need my notes. I forget the order. Ah well…

At some point The Jonas Brothers played.  They are The Bay City Rollers of the day, and I oddly have no problem with them.  Cringing as I write…another highlight.

jonas-brothers-grammys-2009

At least they flirted with a melody.

Oh yeah, and they wheeled Stevie Wonder out so he could try and class things up. He played a song (with The Brothers Jonas) from 1971.

cbs_grammys_2009_clip3

Then there was Coldplay.  I can’t get a Coldplay fan to hum me one of their songs. Watching them win an award is bewildering and agonizing.  Watching them try to “bond” with Paul McCartney was funny.  Yeah, aside from the Sgt. Pepper-ish suits, you guys have nothing in common with any former Beatle.

Some people swear by this band. I don’t know. When they won, it marked the first time during the ceremony that I started thinking that the whole thing is “fixed” and political.

_45457710_timberlake_green_getty

At some point Justin Timberlake came out and sang in the right key.

Warning: I am about to dis the beloved Radiohead.

radioheadgrammy

I know that their fans and the band could care less about my opinion, but here it is anyway.  Just because a group does not write songs in a traditional mold, it does not automatically mean they are geniuses.  It just doesn’t.  Sorry.  Like Coldplay, I can’t even get one of Radiohead’s own fans to hum me a tune.  I can’t help it, this bothers me.

Suffice to say, I watched these ceremonies with a Radiohead fan, and they too thought this was dogshit.

Fleetwood Mac used the USC marching band on “Tusk” in the 1980 recording, and on stage during 1997’s “The Dance.”  The difference there was that all of the hoopla created by the drummers, etc., transpired over an actual song; the horns had a melody to play.

So, summing up about Radiohead: BOOOOOOOOOOO!

plant_krauss

At some point, Robert Plant and Alison Krauss sang a song that everyone was jizzing over.  To me, it was just okay.  But I won’t say anything bad about Plant. He is WAY too cool and real to be there at all, I kept thinking.

Adele was the genuine highlight of the night.  Hers was, far and away, the best song I heard. adele-431x500

So of course, she was not allowed to play the whole thing. And her song did not win.

Her loss caused me to start to watch with one eye.

With one eye, I saw Jay-Z making shit up as he went along.

I saw Paul McCartney sing a song he wrote in 1963.

I saw some Smokey Robinson casino-style revue of songs even older.

I saw movie stars announce awards, because they could not find enough musicians who wanted to attend.

I left the TV on mute for about the last hour or so.

I was busy having a conversation about how “this is what happens when the wrong people start running the music industry.”

Me: “The worst Grammys ever.”

A guy: “Totally.”

A girl: Gweneth looked gaunt.”

Next morning, I see that the ratings were up from last year. That was when I threw out my notes.

Men with Acceptable Mustaches Fall into One of Four Categories, New Study Shows

Posted in Blogroll, crime, facial hair, movies, music, pop culture, sluts, sports, stars, television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 13, 2008 by seehoweasy

NRB Study: According to our recent study, men who are able to pull off wearing a mustache fall into (at least) one of only four categories.  This is according to over one hundred “cool women” we polled. This information might be a revelation for those who had previously believed that all mustachioed men were gay and/or trying to frighten off women.

Our extensive research unveiled four, and only four, categories to which a man with an acceptable mustache belongs (Each category contains at least one sub-category).

According to the women of taste with whom we spoke, unless a man can claim to be in one of the following groups, he should not grow hair above his lip.

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #1: POLICE OFFICERS (also: Dads over fifty-years-old)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #2: GAYS (also: actors, musicians)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #3: FIREMEN (See POLICE OFFICERS)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #4: ACTUAL COWBOYS (also: anyone legitimately hot)

Women warn however that, despite the existence of these helpful categories, it is not a sure thing. “Many stumble,” claimed one woman in our study. “As a rule, if a guy is good-looking enough it does not really hurt him.”

She continued, “But if a woman is on the fence about how she feels about a guy’s looks, usually a mustache is the kiss of death.”