Archive for the lonely Category

Observation: “The Dog Lady”

Posted in cartoon, doglady, dogs, lindsay lohan, lonely, opinion with tags , , , on September 11, 2007 by seehoweasy

In many ways, a “dog lady” is just like a “Jesus freak.” And I have always been wholly skeptical of anyone who loves and cares about anything, anything at all, more than they love and care about actual PEOPLE.

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Now, before I go any further, let me clarify the terminology. A “dog lady” is not a mere dog lover. A lot of people love dogs. That is probably normal. No, a “dog lady” is different. She loves her dog. Dresses it up. Takes it out to dinner. Lets it sit at the table. In its own fucking chair. And she talks to it. I don’t mean standard dog-talk like, “good boy.” I mean “So and so is going to be in big trouble when her uncle gets home because, well, the laundry…” That kind of thing. She has a conversation with the dog. And she thinks the dog is fucking listening. I have news for the “dog lady.” It’s not. It is definitely not listening.

The other night, while dining out in New York City, a “dog lady” sat at the table next to mine.

With her dog.

In its own chair.

(I was sitting at a table with another human being.)

I eavesdropped on their conversation. (Their = the woman and her dog’s.) Of course, another enormous “dog lady” trait is loneliness. She swims in an ocean of the stuff. (Since she doesn’t know how to treat actual people, they generally run when they see her coming.) So, even though she was making faces at her pet, huge exaggerated expressions that would sometimes last up to ten seconds and cause me to drop my spoon, she was dying to make eye contact. Dying to. Every time someone would walk by, her eyes would attempt a mutual gaze. She was begging for human exchange. I wasn’t giving it to her. A hundred times, I had to quickly look away, removing, as best I could, my jaw-dropped expressions.

Speaking of spoons. I have had tons of pets. Dogs. Cats. Rats. Turtles. Fish. Seriously, I have had, and have bonded with, them all. Over the years, I have learned a lot about animals. One of the things is this: when you stare at an animal? You are NOT “sharing” a moment. No matter how close you are. You are just not. Animals are not like that. Sorry, “dog lady.” Your dog would have that face on even if were looking at a spoon.

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This is not to say that people and animals do not share connections. Believe me, I think my own male cat is gay. For me. Still, it is hard to tell where an animal is looking, and even then, what it is actually seeing. However, any thinking person knows that if you gaze into your pets eyes, anything you are feeling is, more or less, being generated by your own hopes.

One last note for the “dog lady.” (“Dog guys” pay attention, too.) When you are walking the city streets with your pet-that-is-really-just-bait-for-a-friend, keep your fucking mutt close to you by tightening up the leash. We are all tripping over your crap enough as it is.

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