Archive for the movies Category

The Fact That There Is No “New Dabney Coleman” Surprisingly High on List of America’s Worries; Poll Shows

Posted in movies, pop culture, stars with tags , , , on November 23, 2008 by seehoweasy

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(NRB Study) The Economy? The War in Iraq? Global Warming? Try again. According to a new NRB poll, none of these above items can claim to be the number one reason that The United States has begun to circle the drain. A surprising new survey shows that the overall decline in our country’s mood began when actor Dabney Coleman switched the focus of his brilliant career from movies to television in 1983. Although Coleman had been appearing on the small screen, off and on, from his humble beginnings in 1963, it was his move to his own series, Buffalo Bill, which began the downward spiral, this according to over ten thousand people recently surveyed concerning their thoughts about why things have slowly “gone to pot.”

“He was rolling sevens in the early 80’s” opined one surveyed.

Tootsie, War Games, Modern Problems, 9 to 5. He made America laugh really hard by being a total fucking asshole. When he decided to switch to television exclusively for a couple years, he left an enormous vacuum.”

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“His characters were dicks,” explained another polled, “and it rocked.”

One of the people we surveyed, who asked to remain anonymous, had this chilling illumination:

“Dabney Coleman is an actor who often portrayed make-believe heartless, assholes. When he stopped getting roles in major films it created a void – a void that has slowly but surely become filled with real-life heartless assholes.”

Said another: “We do not need a stimulus package. We need Nine To Five 2.”

Actual poll results below:

Question: Why has America slowly “gone to pot”?

1.) The lack of good roles for Dabney Coleman in major film releases (9,870 votes)

2.) The Economy (100 votes)

3.) The War in Iraq (24 votes)

4.) Global Warming (4 votes)

5.) FrankTV (2 Votes)

Men with Acceptable Mustaches Fall into One of Four Categories, New Study Shows

Posted in Blogroll, crime, facial hair, movies, music, pop culture, sluts, sports, stars, television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 13, 2008 by seehoweasy

NRB Study: According to our recent study, men who are able to pull off wearing a mustache fall into (at least) one of only four categories.  This is according to over one hundred “cool women” we polled. This information might be a revelation for those who had previously believed that all mustachioed men were gay and/or trying to frighten off women.

Our extensive research unveiled four, and only four, categories to which a man with an acceptable mustache belongs (Each category contains at least one sub-category).

According to the women of taste with whom we spoke, unless a man can claim to be in one of the following groups, he should not grow hair above his lip.

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #1: POLICE OFFICERS (also: Dads over fifty-years-old)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #2: GAYS (also: actors, musicians)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #3: FIREMEN (See POLICE OFFICERS)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #4: ACTUAL COWBOYS (also: anyone legitimately hot)

Women warn however that, despite the existence of these helpful categories, it is not a sure thing. “Many stumble,” claimed one woman in our study. “As a rule, if a guy is good-looking enough it does not really hurt him.”

She continued, “But if a woman is on the fence about how she feels about a guy’s looks, usually a mustache is the kiss of death.”

Back From “Run-Of-The-Mill-Type Nervous Breakdown”; Ready to Blog

Posted in Blogroll, lindsay lohan, movies, music, news, opinion, politics, pop culture, Uncategorized on December 21, 2007 by seehoweasy

It has been a long time since any new posts have appeared on N.R.B. I am feeling much better now, aided by both the new Eagles album (it is spectacular) and my purchase of “Charlie’s Angels: Season Two” on DVD (it is fucking terrible). Yes, it is these little things in life that go a long ways towards the healing of one’s soul. Thankfully, my life is filled with nothing but such things! Anyway, I have dusted myself off and am now working on my next blog. Since many wait with bated breath, I will give you a teaser so you can function meanwhile: it is about how I am the only person on earth who thinks that the pregnancy of Britney Spears’ sister is kind of hot.

Kissed Off: TMZ.com Almost Nails Celebrity Look-Alike

Posted in gossip, lindsay lohan, movies, music, opinion, pop culture, sluts, stars, television with tags , , , , on September 5, 2007 by seehoweasy

(NRB Staff) On September 4th, 2007, popular website TMZ.com erroneously reported that KISS singer/guitarist Paul Stanley‘s celebrity look-alike is CNN’s international correspondent, Christiane Amanpour. While this match is close, his real doppelganger is world-renowned songstress, Liza Minelli.

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Shallow-een: Rob Zombie Butchers A Horror Classic

Posted in Blogroll, crime, movies, opinion, pop culture, stars, Uncategorized on September 4, 2007 by seehoweasy

(Movie Review, by SeeHowEasy) In the original HALLOWEEN, John Carpenter’s 1978 masterpiece, audiences were frightened by the unknown. Sure, the white-masked murderer Michael Myers had a name, but that was about it. What is he thinking? Just why did he return to Haddonfield, Illinois to stalk Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis)? The only hint we get ~ one of the film’s many strokes of genius ~ comes while Laurie is sitting in a classroom, during the late afternoon of Hallows Eve. The teacher calls on her, yet Laurie is distracted by a figure she spots, wearing an expressionless mask, who is staring at her from across the street outside of the school.

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“Laurie? Answer the question,” her teacher says sternly. The question Laurie is asked to answer deals with the subject of fate. Laurie gets the answer right, and looks outside again, only moments later, to find that the figure has vanished. All that lingers are the ominous words being spoken by her teacher: “In Samuels’ writing, fate is immovable like a mountain.
It stands where man passes away. Fate never changes.”

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There are no scenes with this kind subtlety in Rob Zombie’s 2007 remake. In fact, there is nothing subtle about HALLOWEEN 2007 at all. The blood? Everywhere. The music? Loud. Here, Rob Zombie removes every ingredient that made Carpenter’s film so very appetizing in the first place.

The enigmatic shape does not hide behind bushes. No, in this film Michael Myers is basically shoved right up the viewer’s ass: HERE HE IS! LOOK AT HIM! HE IS HUGE! HERE HE IS AGAIN! LOOK! LOOK AT HOW BIG AND STRONG AND SCARY HE IS!

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It is safe to equate the original HALLOWEEN to the first JAWS movie. In both films, the monster is rarely seen at all until the third act. This is part of what made the horror in both films so effective. And, alas, it is also safe to equate HALLOWEEN 2007 to JAWS 4: THE REVENGE. In the latter, the shark retardedly all but flies out of the water and eats people: LOOK AT THE SHARK! HERE IT COMES AGAIN! LOOK! IT IS EATING PEOPLE! SO MUCH BLOOD!

Worse, the new film goes a long way towards completely destroying the mystique of Michael Myers in a half-baked attempt at delving into Myers’ “early years.” His mother is a stripper. His father is dead, and his mom’s live-in boyfriend is deplorable trailer trash. Why Rob Zombie wants the audience to actually side with a mass-murderer is anyone’s guess. And this added element is, at best, about as unscary as anything gets.

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The film’s biggest crime (and this is saying a lot) is that it actually butchers the few parts of the original script that it chose to keep.

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Great lines, once spoken with vitality by Donald Pleasance, are chopped to bits only to dribble from the mouth of a sleepwalking Malcom McDowell.

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The rest of the performances are so forgettable, they do not warrant mentioning, and the litany of “as if” ‘s is so seemingly endless, I wouldn’t know where to begin.

See it? No.
Rent it? No.
Overall grade: F

Most-Uncool-Crime-Of-The-Month winner: Salman Khan

Posted in Blogroll, cartoon, crime, movies, music, news, opinion, pop culture, sluts, stars, television, Uncategorized on August 31, 2007 by seehoweasy

(NRB Staff) Each and every month, N.R.B. will give out an award for the most uncool crime committed. Our first choice was simple, as Bollywood star Salman Khan was just sentenced to a year in prison after being found guilty of poaching.

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Bach–The Disappointment

Posted in gossip, movies, music, opinion, pop culture, sluts, stars, television on August 31, 2007 by britneyspanties

Am I obsessed with youth culture and too old for the lifestyle I maintain? Probably, but that is a larger issue and a blog for another day. So last night, my sweet memories of my youth died. A bloody death. A violent death. A death the consisted primarily of me watching my ONE TRUE LOVE of 1990-1992, Sebastian Bach, lead singer of hair metal powerhouse Skid Row. I was watching Celebrity Rap on MTV. (An aside about the MTV thing. Yes, true, I am too old really to be watching MTV. On the other hand, why would MTV cast someone like Sebastian Bach unless it was targeting people in my demographic. Kids today—eww, I really said that!—have no idea who Sebastian Bach is. They certainly don’t remember his bandmate, Rachel Bolan, with the nose to ear chain. A further aside, if you do remember this band, loved them and are male and single, call me. I need a date for a wedding in 3 weeks. I’m easy.) Anyway, back to the issue at hand. My teenage dreams shattering while Sebby writhed to LLCoolJ. Another celebrity crush of mine. My tastes clearly run the gamut. Suffice it to say, I will never recover from seeing this:

 

 

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become this: sebbyold.jpg Get a cream rinse.. Also, look into Crest White Strips. The foundation of throbbing sex God are still imprinted on his super tall, narrow hipped “fuck the shit out you” body. He just needs a little upkeep. And to never rap again. Forever.

UPDATE: Just learned that Sebastian Bach just finished a new album. Hence the stint on MTV. They are not targeting the aged after all. Apparently Axl, another God from my youth sings on this new album. Knowing that he is friends with the monster that took over Axl’s body, I’ll say this for Sebastian, at least he still has his own hair. And eyes. That Wildenstein woman has a better surgeon. It’s NOT So Easy is it Axl? Getting old sucks, but try for the sake of those who loved your serpentine dance and your redneck sexiness to stop going under the knife. And lay off the chemical peels.

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