Archive for the television Category

Men with Acceptable Mustaches Fall into One of Four Categories, New Study Shows

Posted in Blogroll, crime, facial hair, movies, music, pop culture, sluts, sports, stars, television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 13, 2008 by seehoweasy

NRB Study: According to our recent study, men who are able to pull off wearing a mustache fall into (at least) one of only four categories.  This is according to over one hundred “cool women” we polled. This information might be a revelation for those who had previously believed that all mustachioed men were gay and/or trying to frighten off women.

Our extensive research unveiled four, and only four, categories to which a man with an acceptable mustache belongs (Each category contains at least one sub-category).

According to the women of taste with whom we spoke, unless a man can claim to be in one of the following groups, he should not grow hair above his lip.

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #1: POLICE OFFICERS (also: Dads over fifty-years-old)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #2: GAYS (also: actors, musicians)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #3: FIREMEN (See POLICE OFFICERS)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #4: ACTUAL COWBOYS (also: anyone legitimately hot)

Women warn however that, despite the existence of these helpful categories, it is not a sure thing. “Many stumble,” claimed one woman in our study. “As a rule, if a guy is good-looking enough it does not really hurt him.”

She continued, “But if a woman is on the fence about how she feels about a guy’s looks, usually a mustache is the kiss of death.”

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HDTV: But Now My Real Surroundings Look Blurry

Posted in Blogroll, opinion, pop culture, television, Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 21, 2008 by seehoweasy

I finally bought a high-definition television set. It is amazing. Most people have seen this awesome new technology by now, so I don’t have to get into explaining how cool it makes everything look. I mean, it is spectacular. Just look at Sportscenter or any nature program in HD! Are you kidding me?

The disconcerting element underlying all of this glory is this: everything I am not watching on television now looks kinda lame. Blurry. Pixelated.

The other night, I was outside looking up at the moon. It was a clear, so there were a billion stars flickering beautifully. There I stood thinking, “Bet this would look so rad in HD.”


Entertainment Weekly’s “The New Classics” issue filled with total fucking bullshit

Posted in Blogroll, music, news, opinion, politics, pop culture, sluts, stars, television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 21, 2008 by seehoweasy

In the new issue of Entertainment Weekly (6/27/08-7/4/08) there is a list of “The New Classics” for just about every form of popular entertainment. I got it in my mailbox today and skimmed through it immediately.  I accidentally went right to the Stage section and got nervous.  I hate Broadway shows, as a general rule, and do not claim to know shit about them. However, I know enough to know that the schmaltzy “Jersey Boys” is no classic. (My wife saw it and gave me a full report: it was “cute”; she loves that Broadway crap.)

When it comes to music, I become easily offended when people (like the just-out-of-college-dumbfucks at EW Magazine) carelessly toss around the word “classic.”

Prince’s “Purple Rain” is listed at #1. I would not put it there, but I get it. Great album. It has stood the test of time. It was part of popular culture, and it can be argued that it still is. After that, the list of “New Classics” is a bucket of self-conscious  horse-shit.

Liz Phair’s “Exile In Guyville” is #47 and Peter Gabriel’s “So” is #88. Whether you hate Peter Gabriel or you love Peter Gabriel, you know at least four of the songs on “So.” Liz Phair? Does anyone really even listen to her? I mean, I know people do. But where are they? I have yet to meet one person in my life who swears by her music. A classic? Wouldn’t a music fan like myself have to have heard at least one song from her supposed opus? Is it because I am not a lesbian or something?

Kanye West’s “The College Dropout” (2004) is number 4????? I mean, lol.

“You Are Free” by Cat Power is #13??????????????  Isn’t it a little early to tell? Does anyone who DOES NOT want to fuck her like her music? Know her music? Do the people that WANT to fuck her like her music? Know that she is a musician?

Speaking of which….

“Tidal” by Fiona Apple???? #20????  LMAO

CLASSIC????? Does anyone know three songs from that one? LMAOOOOOOOOO

Interpol???? Why???  Really? LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Massengill

Posted in lindsay lohan, television on January 13, 2008 by britneyspanties

I started a long post about lots of important things. I then realized that I could boil it down quite easily and save myself some proofreading.

Everyone on reality TV is a huge douchebag. They make me stupider for having watched them simper, fight, and fuck. I am dumber every time I watch Crowned or Make Me a Supermodel (what the fuck happened to Niki Taylor? Hag.).

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So, in the end I have to wonder, who’s the asshole in this equation? The girl who wants to use her “intellectuality” to show people that models can be smart too? Or me? The chump who watches about 15 hours of Real Housewives of Orange County repeats a week. I think we all know the answer.

God. I am so unoriginal. Who in the world has not had a fucking conversation about how bad reality tv is and how they can’t stop watching? Even the fucking pope waited until we were between ANTM cycles to kick it.

So not only am I dumb, but now I am boring too. Christ. I blame it all on that fateful moment when Gouda pulled Heather B to the pavement in the middle of the crosswalk. I was hooked. Fucking Mary-Ellis Bunim.

Is “The Office” is the Best Show In History?; How Steve Carell is Really Just Freddie Mercury

Posted in ilovelucy, lindsay lohan, music, opinion, pop culture, queen, seinfeld, stars, television, the office with tags , , , , , , on January 12, 2008 by seehoweasy

Opinion/Study- The U.S. version of The Office is the greatest show in the history of television. Based on the BBC series created by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, and developed for American television by Greg Daniels, this series makes me laugh more often in ten seconds of watching and re-watching than I do during a week’s worth of viewing the second best show in the world, Seinfeld. Obviously, upon my pondering the wonderment that is The Office, one question came to mind, which I had to answer: What are the parallels between television shows and popular music? And more importantly, if The Office was a rock band, which one would it be?

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To answer this question accurately, I first had to analyze the history of both television and popular music and then point out the key parallels connecting them.

Part I: Why I Love Lucy is Elvis Presley

I Love Lucy, no matter how one feels about it, was the template. In this way, it is the “King” of television. It laid the groundwork for everything that followed (the first to use the what-is-now-standard five cameras; the first to even suggest sex ~ with the birth of little Ricky, e.g.). And it was damn good. For that reason, it is still popular today, decades and decades later.

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So clearly, if I Love Lucy was a music artist, it would be Elvis Presley.

Part II: Why Seinfeld is The Beatles

All of the things that were great about I Love Lucy, but WAY BETTER! Seinfeld took all the rules of television and smashed them. Wholly inventive and imaginative, this groundbreaking series made its own rules and eventually became the new template. It could do whatever it wanted, and with seemingly effortless brilliance, raised the bar so high and so quickly that it made every show that came before suddenly appear a little stale at best. Just as The Beatles could never have existed without Elvis Presley, there would be no Seinfeld without I Love Lucy.

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If Seinfeld were a band, it would be The Beatles.

Part III: Why The Office is Queen

What can be said then, in a musically parallel sense, about The Office? It contains the most talented group of writers and stars ever assembled. Together, they regularly churn out segments that are so rich and detailed, one must watch numerous times to catch it all. Often, one moment in the show contains more intelligence, humor, and heart than that which is found in an entire series of its competitors. Yes, once in a while it fumbles a bit momentarily and puts out, what is only self-comparatively, a stinker. Yet really, the worst you can say about it is that it is not everyone’s cup of tea. The Office could not exist without Seinfeld and, accordingly, I Love Lucy. And it will never be as popular as those shows were, despite the fact that it, in many ways, dwarfs those shows in sheer, over-all quality. But damn, The Office is so wondrous that it can even make the brilliant Seinfeld look, well, once in a while, a little stale.

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Therefore, if The Office was a music artist, it would be Queen.

(Footnote: I am still trying to place the likes of All In The Family, The Cosby Show, Family Ties, Cheers, etc.,in a music-history sense. Help in this regard will be welcomed.)

Tonight: President Bush To Address The Nation

Posted in Blogroll, cartoon, crime, lindsay lohan, news, opinion, politics, television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 13, 2007 by seehoweasy

For the occasion, here is a political cartoon.

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You Had to Know It Was Coming

Posted in Blogroll, crime, gossip, lindsay lohan, music, news, opinion, pop culture, sluts, stars, television, Uncategorized on September 11, 2007 by britneyspanties

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(This picture is old, but always classic.)

I thought about not posting. I even waited all day. But, it was like a force drew me to the computer desk and forced me to start typing.

Britney.

Need I say more.

Her whole performance was like a dare to bloggers the world over. It was like she got on stage and said “I dare you to not write about this. I dare you to let this slide.” I took that dare. I lost. What do I owe you, Brit? Do I have to buy your single? I might. It is sorta catchy. As long as I never have to watch you lummox across a stage in an outfit not quite suited to your new role as A MOTHER OF INNOCENT CHILDREN ever again.

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Please say I will never have to look into those midnight blue eyes again. Eyes that we all know are brown–like her hair but that is neither here nor there. I saw Crossroads. I even cried during the scene in the bathroom after her mother, Samantha Jones, rejects her. I cried in the hospital scene with that cutie-pie Tarynn Manning (retch) also. (Ok. So, it is obvious that I have seen Crossroads more than 30 times once. FINE. If it is on TV I will watch it, but I don’t own it, so get off my back.) Anyway, back to the stanking, worn out cunt of a whore, Britney 2007.

I was not really rooting for her to succeed or fail. I was indifferent. Now, I am annoyed. Bitch, please. She makes 700K a fucking month. I might make that in my lifetime if I work until 20 minutes before I die and don’t take lunch that day. She does not need a comeback. She does not need to be zombie-walking across stages wearing outfits best described as “not that flattering.” She can sit at home and . . . oh I don’t know, care for her fucking kids. Who would have thought back in 2005 when I was watching Chaotic that Kevin Federline would be the success story of that marriage. Certainly not me.