Gum Sucks Now

Posted in food, lindsay lohan, news, opinion, politics, pop culture, sluts, total bullshit with tags , , , , , , on December 6, 2009 by seehoweasy

Why is it so hard to find good gum anymore? I don’t want to buy three packs of gum. I don’t want some slender box of johnny-come-lately-gee-I’m-good-for-your-teeth gum. I want a solitary, rectangular box of bubble gum. It’s not so simple to get, let me tell you. I know one can find them still. But it’s getting harder.

Often, if I want plain bubble gum flavored bubble gum, I am left with one option. A three-pack of Orbit, which doesn’t even let you blow bubbles! Does it? I wouldn’t know. Their commercials have prevented me from supporting them.

I don’t want toothpaste. I don’t care if it doesn’t promote cavities.

I don’t want mouthwash. I don’t give a flying crap if it freshens my mouth. I mean, the smell of a gumball is pretty awesome all on its own.

I want a pack of gum that doesn’t look like a cigarette case from the 1940’s. With gum in it that promotes tooth decay. And I want to blow huge bubbles.

Stop policing me! Who is doing this? Everything is just getting lamer and lamer now, and gum is just a microcosm of our whole social paradigm: “Ehhhhh, let’s put whitener in the gum, ehhhhhhh.”

Oh sorry, guys! I just wanted to blow a bubble! I’m sorry. I’ll go home and brush my teeth instead. With my toothpaste that a) whitens b) straightens my teeth c) gives me fresh breath d) contains antioxidants e) acts as an appetite suppressant.

Our teeth may be whiter, but who cares if nobody’s smiling.

Advertisements

An Open Letter To Everyone Involved In The “Viva Viagra” Ad Campaign

Posted in crime, lindsay lohan, news, odors, opinion, politics, sluts, total bullshit with tags , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2009 by seehoweasy

173_20070725094014

Dear Marketing people behind the Viva Viagra ad campaign & the musicians who re-recorded “Viva Las Vegas” for the Viagra ad campaign,

How do you sleep?

Sincerely,

Almost Everyone on Earth

Grammys 2009: A Detailed Analysis On Why They Sucked

Posted in crime, lindsay lohan, music, news, odors, opinion, politics, pop culture, sluts, stars, total bullshit with tags , on March 4, 2009 by seehoweasy

285grammystauette0122808

I have been meaning to blog about the catastrophe that was the 2009 Grammy Awards since the morning after they aired.  I had a bunch of notes and everything.  I had decided that, since I could not move myself to blog for a couple of following weeks, I would never get around to it.   But it has been nagging at my soul, because music is my favorite thing in all of life, so here goes:

First, some back-story.  I have been watching the Grammys since I was nine years old. To put that into focus, Christopher Cross cleaned up.  Even when rock music started to lift itself onto a gurney, and hook itself up to an i.v. in about 1987-88, I continued to make my watching these awards an annual event.  By the early 90’s, it was commonplace for me to watch them alone and with guilt.  Everyone in my life panned even the concept of watching.  And most of the people in my life have always been artists and musicians.

Me: “Are you gonna watch the Grammys?”

Someone: Why?”

Someone else: “Fuck no.”

I was used to it.  And I couldn’t blame them for reacting that way. The show has ALWAYS mostly sucked.  I have always known this going in. I watch for two primary reasons: First, it is to be awestruck by the possible attendance of any “gods” or “goddesses” in the world of music.  Even if he or she is simply sitting in the crowd, it excites me to see them.

“Rewind! They just showed Prince!”

Or…

“That was Paul Simon!”

Or…

“Holy Shit! Dave Brubeck!”

Or…

“Aretha Franklin!”

Or…

“JIMMY PAGE!!!! Are you KIDDING ME?”

Stuff like that.

The second reason I watch is so I can deride the hacks.  Man, that is fun when you are watching with other people. (I notice that males like to put down musicians and females like to make fun of others weight.)

Me: “Does Billy Corgan ever write melodies?”

A guy: “Who?”

Another guy: “Exactly”

A girl: “His date is fat.”

Although there has been, in my opinion, no legitimate musical “happening” since Amy Winehouse (before that, Outkast), this year I put out a tray of snacks and tuned  into CBS with bated breath.

Again, I do not have my notes, but I will go by memory as best I can.

U2 opened the show.  (I am not a fan exactly, but I think “Stuck In A Moment”, “Sunday, Bloody Sunday”, “New Years Day”, and a couple of others warrant their entire career. )

It was fucking terrible. Way less there than meets the eye. Big lights. A lot of jumping around. It seemed very loud. But I could not find an actual tune of any kind. I muted the TV.  One minute into the 2009 Grammy Awards, and I am muting the TV. Yikes.

And I am well aware of all the pro-U2 arguments.  Shove ’em.  U2 was awful.

6a00d8341cabbe53ef0105371d4b97970b-300wi

Next up was Carrie Underwood.  I guess she played a Country song. It sounded like Rock and Roll to me, and sadly, it was a highlight of the night. Her guitarist was great. She flirted with an actual melody. It sucked, but compared to most of what followed, it was a highlight. Jesus, that is sad to write.  Parenthetically, my father has more stage presence than Bible-toting Carrie. And the last time I saw eyes that vacuous, I was talking to a teller at my post office here in New York.

cbs_grammys_2009_clip1

Oh yeah, sometime pretty early on, Whitney Houston came out.  But is was not to sing some new masterpiece.  She looked healthy. (Coughing loudly.)

Al Green sang a song from 1972.  Nailed it! (Coughing even louder.)

See, I need my notes. I forget the order. Ah well…

At some point The Jonas Brothers played.  They are The Bay City Rollers of the day, and I oddly have no problem with them.  Cringing as I write…another highlight.

jonas-brothers-grammys-2009

At least they flirted with a melody.

Oh yeah, and they wheeled Stevie Wonder out so he could try and class things up. He played a song (with The Brothers Jonas) from 1971.

cbs_grammys_2009_clip3

Then there was Coldplay.  I can’t get a Coldplay fan to hum me one of their songs. Watching them win an award is bewildering and agonizing.  Watching them try to “bond” with Paul McCartney was funny.  Yeah, aside from the Sgt. Pepper-ish suits, you guys have nothing in common with any former Beatle.

Some people swear by this band. I don’t know. When they won, it marked the first time during the ceremony that I started thinking that the whole thing is “fixed” and political.

_45457710_timberlake_green_getty

At some point Justin Timberlake came out and sang in the right key.

Warning: I am about to dis the beloved Radiohead.

radioheadgrammy

I know that their fans and the band could care less about my opinion, but here it is anyway.  Just because a group does not write songs in a traditional mold, it does not automatically mean they are geniuses.  It just doesn’t.  Sorry.  Like Coldplay, I can’t even get one of Radiohead’s own fans to hum me a tune.  I can’t help it, this bothers me.

Suffice to say, I watched these ceremonies with a Radiohead fan, and they too thought this was dogshit.

Fleetwood Mac used the USC marching band on “Tusk” in the 1980 recording, and on stage during 1997’s “The Dance.”  The difference there was that all of the hoopla created by the drummers, etc., transpired over an actual song; the horns had a melody to play.

So, summing up about Radiohead: BOOOOOOOOOOO!

plant_krauss

At some point, Robert Plant and Alison Krauss sang a song that everyone was jizzing over.  To me, it was just okay.  But I won’t say anything bad about Plant. He is WAY too cool and real to be there at all, I kept thinking.

Adele was the genuine highlight of the night.  Hers was, far and away, the best song I heard. adele-431x500

So of course, she was not allowed to play the whole thing. And her song did not win.

Her loss caused me to start to watch with one eye.

With one eye, I saw Jay-Z making shit up as he went along.

I saw Paul McCartney sing a song he wrote in 1963.

I saw some Smokey Robinson casino-style revue of songs even older.

I saw movie stars announce awards, because they could not find enough musicians who wanted to attend.

I left the TV on mute for about the last hour or so.

I was busy having a conversation about how “this is what happens when the wrong people start running the music industry.”

Me: “The worst Grammys ever.”

A guy: “Totally.”

A girl: Gweneth looked gaunt.”

Next morning, I see that the ratings were up from last year. That was when I threw out my notes.

The Fact That There Is No “New Dabney Coleman” Surprisingly High on List of America’s Worries; Poll Shows

Posted in movies, pop culture, stars with tags , , , on November 23, 2008 by seehoweasy

tootsie_03

(NRB Study) The Economy? The War in Iraq? Global Warming? Try again. According to a new NRB poll, none of these above items can claim to be the number one reason that The United States has begun to circle the drain. A surprising new survey shows that the overall decline in our country’s mood began when actor Dabney Coleman switched the focus of his brilliant career from movies to television in 1983. Although Coleman had been appearing on the small screen, off and on, from his humble beginnings in 1963, it was his move to his own series, Buffalo Bill, which began the downward spiral, this according to over ten thousand people recently surveyed concerning their thoughts about why things have slowly “gone to pot.”

“He was rolling sevens in the early 80’s” opined one surveyed.

Tootsie, War Games, Modern Problems, 9 to 5. He made America laugh really hard by being a total fucking asshole. When he decided to switch to television exclusively for a couple years, he left an enormous vacuum.”

ninetofive_l

“His characters were dicks,” explained another polled, “and it rocked.”

One of the people we surveyed, who asked to remain anonymous, had this chilling illumination:

“Dabney Coleman is an actor who often portrayed make-believe heartless, assholes. When he stopped getting roles in major films it created a void – a void that has slowly but surely become filled with real-life heartless assholes.”

Said another: “We do not need a stimulus package. We need Nine To Five 2.”

Actual poll results below:

Question: Why has America slowly “gone to pot”?

1.) The lack of good roles for Dabney Coleman in major film releases (9,870 votes)

2.) The Economy (100 votes)

3.) The War in Iraq (24 votes)

4.) Global Warming (4 votes)

5.) FrankTV (2 Votes)

Men with Acceptable Mustaches Fall into One of Four Categories, New Study Shows

Posted in Blogroll, crime, facial hair, movies, music, pop culture, sluts, sports, stars, television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 13, 2008 by seehoweasy

NRB Study: According to our recent study, men who are able to pull off wearing a mustache fall into (at least) one of only four categories.  This is according to over one hundred “cool women” we polled. This information might be a revelation for those who had previously believed that all mustachioed men were gay and/or trying to frighten off women.

Our extensive research unveiled four, and only four, categories to which a man with an acceptable mustache belongs (Each category contains at least one sub-category).

According to the women of taste with whom we spoke, unless a man can claim to be in one of the following groups, he should not grow hair above his lip.

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #1: POLICE OFFICERS (also: Dads over fifty-years-old)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #2: GAYS (also: actors, musicians)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #3: FIREMEN (See POLICE OFFICERS)

ACCEPTABLE MUSTACHE CATEGORY #4: ACTUAL COWBOYS (also: anyone legitimately hot)

Women warn however that, despite the existence of these helpful categories, it is not a sure thing. “Many stumble,” claimed one woman in our study. “As a rule, if a guy is good-looking enough it does not really hurt him.”

She continued, “But if a woman is on the fence about how she feels about a guy’s looks, usually a mustache is the kiss of death.”

Woman From Alaska Answers McCain’s Posting on Craigslist

Posted in Blogroll, crime, opinion, politics, total bullshit with tags , , on August 31, 2008 by seehoweasy

To find a potential Vice-President, John McCain posted an ad on Craigslist.

WANTED: VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

JOB DESCRIPTION: HELP ORGANIZE AND OPERATE THE BIGGEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD

REQUIRED: A DEGREE IN THE ARTS

SOME PAST WORK AT RADIO STATION HELPFUL

Fun Game #1: Guess The Neighborhood

Posted in Blogroll, crime, lindsay lohan, odors, opinion, politics, sluts, Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 29, 2008 by seehoweasy

See if you can guess which neighborhood is being described. You will get four clues. (Answer at bottom.)

Clue #1: On the streets, people literally look dead. Body language says, “life has ended” and/or, “I have never lived” and/or, “I am not in a hurry to get to where I am walking because I am essentially a corpse, and I feel nothing.”

Clue #2: The neighborhood swims with nannys pushing strollers. (Important: the nannys are NEVER paying any attention to the children; the children USUALLY * look angry and/or depressed.)

*Sometimes they are asleep

Clue #3: Everything is totally fucking expensive.

Clue #4: There are between fifteen and twenty nail salons on every block.

Give up? The answer is THE UPPER EAST SIDE in New York City.