Archive for lindsay lohan

Thank You, In-And-Out Burger, For Not Selling Chicken

Posted in food, lindsay lohan, news, opinion, pop culture, sluts with tags , , , , , , , on June 8, 2010 by seehoweasy

They are the only restaurant left that has not fussed up their menu. They just sell hamburgers and fries. That’s it. They have not added fajitas, or chicken droppers, or apple caddies. They just sell burgers. Thank God.

Remember when the menu at McDonald’s was simple? They had some variety, sure. They had apple pies and fish sandwiches – and a few different kinds of hamburgers. But to walk in there now – I don’t even know where to look anymore.  (Apples?! Seriously? Is anyone going to McDonald’s for fresh fruit?) I get it, so don’t try and school me about our unhealthy American culture, or money, or any of it. I get it. One thing is for sure, and I am using the word very specifically: it is all very, very dorky. Analyzing linguistics and everything – yes, dorky is the perfect word for it.  I mean, have you gone to Taco Bell lately? They frigging sell Doritos. It is so lame (it is not unlike Captain EO at Disneyland).

Jack In The Box, Carl’s Jr., Wendy’s, Burger King – they all need to settle down. Keep it simple.

In-And-Out certainly does not appear to be struggling, despite the fact that they haven’t started selling “jalapeno dippers” or anything else out of their wheelhouse.  Every time I go there, the line is huge. They can call it In-And-Out-In-An-Hour. Doesn’t bother me. The line takes awhile because some people are probably ordering things off of the “secret menu.” Nothing dorky about that.

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Gum Sucks Now

Posted in food, lindsay lohan, news, opinion, politics, pop culture, sluts, total bullshit with tags , , , , , , on December 6, 2009 by seehoweasy

Why is it so hard to find good gum anymore? I don’t want to buy three packs of gum. I don’t want some slender box of johnny-come-lately-gee-I’m-good-for-your-teeth gum. I want a solitary, rectangular box of bubble gum. It’s not so simple to get, let me tell you. I know one can find them still. But it’s getting harder.

Often, if I want plain bubble gum flavored bubble gum, I am left with one option. A three-pack of Orbit, which doesn’t even let you blow bubbles! Does it? I wouldn’t know. Their commercials have prevented me from supporting them.

I don’t want toothpaste. I don’t care if it doesn’t promote cavities.

I don’t want mouthwash. I don’t give a flying crap if it freshens my mouth. I mean, the smell of a gumball is pretty awesome all on its own.

I want a pack of gum that doesn’t look like a cigarette case from the 1940’s. With gum in it that promotes tooth decay. And I want to blow huge bubbles.

Stop policing me! Who is doing this? Everything is just getting lamer and lamer now, and gum is just a microcosm of our whole social paradigm: “Ehhhhh, let’s put whitener in the gum, ehhhhhhh.”

Oh sorry, guys! I just wanted to blow a bubble! I’m sorry. I’ll go home and brush my teeth instead. With my toothpaste that a) whitens b) straightens my teeth c) gives me fresh breath d) contains antioxidants e) acts as an appetite suppressant.

Our teeth may be whiter, but who cares if nobody’s smiling.

An Open Letter To Everyone Involved In The “Viva Viagra” Ad Campaign

Posted in crime, lindsay lohan, news, odors, opinion, politics, sluts, total bullshit with tags , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2009 by seehoweasy

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Dear Marketing people behind the Viva Viagra ad campaign & the musicians who re-recorded “Viva Las Vegas” for the Viagra ad campaign,

How do you sleep?

Sincerely,

Almost Everyone on Earth

The Fact That There Is No “New Dabney Coleman” Surprisingly High on List of America’s Worries; Poll Shows

Posted in movies, pop culture, stars with tags , , , on November 23, 2008 by seehoweasy

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(NRB Study) The Economy? The War in Iraq? Global Warming? Try again. According to a new NRB poll, none of these above items can claim to be the number one reason that The United States has begun to circle the drain. A surprising new survey shows that the overall decline in our country’s mood began when actor Dabney Coleman switched the focus of his brilliant career from movies to television in 1983. Although Coleman had been appearing on the small screen, off and on, from his humble beginnings in 1963, it was his move to his own series, Buffalo Bill, which began the downward spiral, this according to over ten thousand people recently surveyed concerning their thoughts about why things have slowly “gone to pot.”

“He was rolling sevens in the early 80’s” opined one surveyed.

Tootsie, War Games, Modern Problems, 9 to 5. He made America laugh really hard by being a total fucking asshole. When he decided to switch to television exclusively for a couple years, he left an enormous vacuum.”

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“His characters were dicks,” explained another polled, “and it rocked.”

One of the people we surveyed, who asked to remain anonymous, had this chilling illumination:

“Dabney Coleman is an actor who often portrayed make-believe heartless, assholes. When he stopped getting roles in major films it created a void – a void that has slowly but surely become filled with real-life heartless assholes.”

Said another: “We do not need a stimulus package. We need Nine To Five 2.”

Actual poll results below:

Question: Why has America slowly “gone to pot”?

1.) The lack of good roles for Dabney Coleman in major film releases (9,870 votes)

2.) The Economy (100 votes)

3.) The War in Iraq (24 votes)

4.) Global Warming (4 votes)

5.) FrankTV (2 Votes)

Who the fuck cares what anyone thinks?

Posted in Blogroll, opinion, politics, pop culture, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on January 5, 2008 by seehoweasy

Yesterday, while checking my mail at AOL, I took the bait and clicked on a news story link about a possible connection between nonfat milk and prostate cancer. Next to the article was a little box where people could cast their vote. The poll? What kind of milk do you drink? Who fucking cares?

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I guess I am a socialist. Polls are starting to make me hate everyone. “Ehhhh, I drink nonfat milk.” SO WHAT. Anyone who answers these polls is a loser, right? Do you agree?

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I mean, what do YOU think?

Starbucks: Finally, A Big Company Helps “The Little Guy.”

Posted in Blogroll, crime, food, lindsay lohan, music, opinion, politics, pop culture, sluts, stars, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 27, 2007 by seehoweasy

It is not often that a powerful institution comes along and wields its all-mighty sword with the sole aim of helping the bureaucratically-challenged. But thank God for Starbucks. With their new record label (HearMusic) in full swing, underground musicians will finally get the press and recognition they deserve.

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Since Starbucks first created the HearMusic program, which, along with its own station on XM radio, was conceived as a kind of “launching pad” for unknown artists, the music business has gained in every respect. “The business had become corroded by red tape of all kinds,” spouted one insider, “but Starbucks is all about the underdog. When it comes to selling music, money is not our motive.”

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It is so difficult for up-and-coming music artists to get themselves heard that Starbucks is like an answered prayer for any would-be musician. The big record labels are all about the bottom line. Not so when it comes to the trailblazers at Starbucks. The last time I was there, I was reminded about bands and artists I had almost entirely forgotten about, due to the helpful display cases that surrounded the sandwiches! Ella Fitzgerald? The Dave Matthews Band? Sheryl Crow? THERE they are!

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It is so cool that, also, if you break up the name of the store it says Star bucks!

So cool!

UPDATE: 2/10/11 — They are shutting down their music label.

Tonight: President Bush To Address The Nation

Posted in Blogroll, cartoon, crime, lindsay lohan, news, opinion, politics, television, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 13, 2007 by seehoweasy

For the occasion, here is a political cartoon.

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